Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Arguably the most important post on this blog. A perfect storm of controversy and anger. Call your bestie with the deets and have a convo about it.

I know. I have "some nerve" for writing a post about grammar and spelling when this site routinely gets awarded "shittiest editing in the blogoworld" every year. However, this post is a long time coming because it contains words and phrases I never, ever want to see used - EVER AGAIN! For the love of everything holy, please do not use these words around me. Please.

In no particular order:

Arguably: The word arguably is arguably the most over-used term used by people who are arguably douchebags when trying to make their point seem stronger. It is used when they have no evidence to back up their claim; instead, the word arguably is offered as evidence itself. For instance, I have arguably NO evidence that this phrase is overused, but by prefacing my stance with arguably, I have invented...AN ARGUMENT that it is. However, inarguably, there is no doubt that this term annoys the fuck outta me.

Because this term is used by people who arguably are giant assholes, it is used most often by sports-writers and [other] bloggers. Arguably, most sports writing bloggers use arguably arguably more than others. And, while sports writing bloggers are given a little bit of a pass (since they are arguably amateurs), the sports writing blogger professionals, (I'm looking at you,, should be roundly beaten. The moment the first arguably pops up I smash my head into the monitor, which is arguably the leading cause of my emergency room and Best Buy visits. Please, save my frontal lobe and stop using ARGUABLY or I will give you a sucking chest wound with my clicky pen. And, as everyone knows, a sucking chest wound is arguably the WORST KIND of chest wound to have!

A Perfect Storm. I hesitate to use this, seeing as it has already been complained about as being overused by these fine people. However, people simply have not listened. Like arguably, a perfect storm is used by people trying to make themselves sound smarter. Just google "a perfect storm" and for every page talking about the book or the movie, there will be 10 pages spouting off about the "perfect storm" of the financial crisis, cell phones, pace maker malfunctions, IT problems, philly cheesesteaks and diapers. NEARLY ANYTHING IS A PERFECT FUCKING STORM. So, please stop it. If you don't stop it. There will be a perfect storm of sucking chest wounds caused by clicky pens.

Unlike those terms that people use to make themselves seem smarter, the following are used by smart people to make themselves appear dumber. Or, at least that's what it has the effect of doing.

Bestie Apparently this means your friend. Your best friend? I guess so. Instead of the perfectly acceptable term BFF, many people simply say "bestie." That's fine but the overall problem is that adding "ie" to anything makes you look like an idiot. Also, arguably one of the most annoying terms to use here in winter after a perfect storm is "freshies." Meaning "fresh snow." It would not be uncommon to hear someone say "I'm going to hit the freshies with my bestie." I'm pretty sure it would be hard to run the powder with a sucking chest wound, though, so please stop.

Convo. This means "conversation." Why you can't just say "conversation" makes me question your intelligence. When I hear "convo" I have to pause and think. 'did she just say "condo?" Or is she talking about a convocation? Why is she talking about a convocation right after talking about skiing fresh powder with her best friend?' Unless I missed the memo about how uncool the word conversation is, please use English as baby Jesus meant you to speak it. Also, although I've never had a sucking chest wound, I feel it would be pretty hard to talk with a hole in your lungs. So, to assure you can have future conversations, please stop saying convo.

Lastly, although the list is nowhere near exhausted, is deets. As in details. As in, "yeah man, I'm totally interested in that job, send me the DEETS." Or, "yes your honor, here are the deets of my client's case." You sound like a moron. Just for reference, here are the deets on how to treat a sucking chest wound caused by a clicky pen.

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