Friday, June 29, 2012

This is the best I can do after 12 months away...

I can't find it.  I have looked everywhere.  The bed has been stripped.  The mattress has been pulled back from the wall.  I simply can't find it. 

It's not something the dog would want, is it?  He'll eat almost anything, but I'm not sure he'd want that.  First thing, it's peppermint flavored.  Second, I just can't imagine he'd have found a way to GET that - when I went to bed it was firmly in place. 

OK.  It turns out that even if he swallowed it it's not harmful.  It may make him hyper for a bit, but it's not going to kill him. 

It's time to consider that I've actually swallowed it.  That is a good possibility at this point - better than 50%.  It also turns out that there is no Internet information on whether it is harmful if I swallowed it.  That bodes well on one hand, I'm likely not going to die.  But on the other hand, it shows that even in the vast archives of the Googles, there is no other human that has apparently done what I did.  And really, is that any of a surprise?

It all started last night with a toothache.  A bad toothache.  A throbbingly (trust me, it's a word, just read 50 Shades of Grey) bad toothache.  I tried Ibuprofen.  I tried heat.  I tried alcohol.  And then I turned to the Googlenet.  And there it was.  The miracle cure - the miracle cure of tea.

But that wasn't quite right.  The miracle cure wasn't tea.  The miracle cure was a tea bag.  A tea bag placed against the offending toof.  And, being that it was a miracle cure, it actually worked.  Whether it was because it actually worked, or whether it was the Ibuprofen that kicked in, or the alcohol kicked in, or the toothache just finally stopped on its own or what, I'm not sure. Either way, that warm, wadded up tea bag seemed to work wonders and I was able to fall asleep. And I dreamed about tea.  And I dreamed about tea bags.  And I dreamed about difficulty swallowing.  And now I just can't find the damn tea bag.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Down is the new up

Douchebags with skateboards are the new assholes with guitars when it comes to bringing pointless shit on an airplane.

I've always been annoyed at the people bringing a guitar on-board an airplane. For every virtuoso crooner, there has to be about 80 Guys-Who-Think-Guitar-Players-Score-the-Hot-Ladies. But recently it appears that most of the people who brought their awesome axe on the plane have switched that out in favor of a long-board skateboard. I have no idea why you'd need to take that on the plane with you, but you look like an asshole.

Greedy Rat Bastard Teachers and Firefighters are the new Illegal Immigrants when it comes to Tea Baggers complaining about the end of 'Merica.

Ever since the Koch Brothers' shill in Wisconsin decided to take away collective bargaining rights for certain state employees, the far-right has determined that public employees are advocating sedition and are likely all Commienazi Socialists. First, it is important to note that, although a teacher gets paid shit, the state also does throw in a roll of toilet paper in terms of health insurance and a pension. However, the Darjeeling drinking masses also called teachers lazy for working only 9 months a year and for (allegedly) leaving work at 3 pm. They did not appear to say when teachers actually get to school, how much time was spent out of school doing work, and also failed to mention the good portion of the summer used for recuperating from the strep throat infection caught from your snotty-nosed brat who you refused to keep home. The distinction between what is taken home and what it actually costs the state per worker (salary plus pension) is important, that fact was routinely glossed over by the folks at Faux News making teachers seem like they were living in the lap of luxury

Arizona is the new South Carolina when it comes to batshit crazy states.

South Carolina used to be the benchmark when it came to crazy. Their stubborn desire to hold on to the Confederacy outweighed the anti-government nutjobs in Michigan and Montana long into the Clinton Administration. When Bush 2.0 came out, the crazy stopped focusing on State's Rights and the Fedral Gubmint and shifted their madness towards people with browner skin than them who have to pray facing east. Then we became the Obamanation. South Carolina tried to regain their status with Jim DeMint and his hatred of the Establishment Clause and Joe Wilson and his love of shout-outs, but Arizona pulled quickly ahead with:

  1. SB1070 - Arizona's response to illegal immigration.
  2. Birther bill
  3. Jon Kyl and his statements not intended to be factual statements.
  4. Shawna Forde, once the leader of the Minutemen, was just convicted of double murder in a vigilante slaying.
  5. Sheriff Joe Arpaio (multiple DOJ investigations ongoing).

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Arguably the most important post on this blog. A perfect storm of controversy and anger. Call your bestie with the deets and have a convo about it.

I know. I have "some nerve" for writing a post about grammar and spelling when this site routinely gets awarded "shittiest editing in the blogoworld" every year. However, this post is a long time coming because it contains words and phrases I never, ever want to see used - EVER AGAIN! For the love of everything holy, please do not use these words around me. Please.

In no particular order:

Arguably: The word arguably is arguably the most over-used term used by people who are arguably douchebags when trying to make their point seem stronger. It is used when they have no evidence to back up their claim; instead, the word arguably is offered as evidence itself. For instance, I have arguably NO evidence that this phrase is overused, but by prefacing my stance with arguably, I have invented...AN ARGUMENT that it is. However, inarguably, there is no doubt that this term annoys the fuck outta me.

Because this term is used by people who arguably are giant assholes, it is used most often by sports-writers and [other] bloggers. Arguably, most sports writing bloggers use arguably arguably more than others. And, while sports writing bloggers are given a little bit of a pass (since they are arguably amateurs), the sports writing blogger professionals, (I'm looking at you,, should be roundly beaten. The moment the first arguably pops up I smash my head into the monitor, which is arguably the leading cause of my emergency room and Best Buy visits. Please, save my frontal lobe and stop using ARGUABLY or I will give you a sucking chest wound with my clicky pen. And, as everyone knows, a sucking chest wound is arguably the WORST KIND of chest wound to have!

A Perfect Storm. I hesitate to use this, seeing as it has already been complained about as being overused by these fine people. However, people simply have not listened. Like arguably, a perfect storm is used by people trying to make themselves sound smarter. Just google "a perfect storm" and for every page talking about the book or the movie, there will be 10 pages spouting off about the "perfect storm" of the financial crisis, cell phones, pace maker malfunctions, IT problems, philly cheesesteaks and diapers. NEARLY ANYTHING IS A PERFECT FUCKING STORM. So, please stop it. If you don't stop it. There will be a perfect storm of sucking chest wounds caused by clicky pens.

Unlike those terms that people use to make themselves seem smarter, the following are used by smart people to make themselves appear dumber. Or, at least that's what it has the effect of doing.

Bestie Apparently this means your friend. Your best friend? I guess so. Instead of the perfectly acceptable term BFF, many people simply say "bestie." That's fine but the overall problem is that adding "ie" to anything makes you look like an idiot. Also, arguably one of the most annoying terms to use here in winter after a perfect storm is "freshies." Meaning "fresh snow." It would not be uncommon to hear someone say "I'm going to hit the freshies with my bestie." I'm pretty sure it would be hard to run the powder with a sucking chest wound, though, so please stop.

Convo. This means "conversation." Why you can't just say "conversation" makes me question your intelligence. When I hear "convo" I have to pause and think. 'did she just say "condo?" Or is she talking about a convocation? Why is she talking about a convocation right after talking about skiing fresh powder with her best friend?' Unless I missed the memo about how uncool the word conversation is, please use English as baby Jesus meant you to speak it. Also, although I've never had a sucking chest wound, I feel it would be pretty hard to talk with a hole in your lungs. So, to assure you can have future conversations, please stop saying convo.

Lastly, although the list is nowhere near exhausted, is deets. As in details. As in, "yeah man, I'm totally interested in that job, send me the DEETS." Or, "yes your honor, here are the deets of my client's case." You sound like a moron. Just for reference, here are the deets on how to treat a sucking chest wound caused by a clicky pen.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Tron of the Month

This month's "Tron of the Month" goes to Casey Heynes, a 15 year old kid from Australia. Heynes deserves this award for showing an annoying little weasel what it is like to poke the bear one too many times. The short fight was filmed and then spread the world wide via you tube. You can find it here.

The short video features Casey (our portly hero) and a boy named Ritchard (the weaselly little fuck). Little Ritchard is dancing around the bigger Casey who is backed against a wall. Two things are immediately obvious: Casey wants to be somewhere else and Ritchard thinks he is quite the shit. If Ritchard hasn't yet made a school career of poking fun of others he seems well on his way.

Ritchard then darts in and punches Casey in the face. Casey stands there. Have you every been punched in the face? Even a little slap? It doesn't hurt so much as it is completely numbing - invasive. But Casey still stands there. Ritchard talks some more shit while his friends laugh at Casey and then punches him in the stomach several times. All along another weaselly, laughing motherfucker off-camera extols the paparazzi to "keep recording, keep recording."

Ritchard then darts in again, but is literally picked up by Casey and then SLAMMED down to the pavement. On his face. He may even bounce a bit. Instead of walking forward and kicking him in the face, (as Ritchard surely would have done), Casey merely walks away - probably into a sunset - while the little bully goes off to lick his wounds.

But there is always aftermath: for instance
  • the weasel's mother, Ermine, demanded an apology from Casey.
  • the weasel continues to blame Casey and fails to recognize his part in the mess.
  • Casey likely isn't going to score with the girl that came into the frame at the end, though she seemed to have his back.
  • and, most predictably, the school suspended Casey AND the prick. Standing up for himself got him in more trouble than had he just sat there and been beat on by a little asshole.
  • The world found out about this and in interviews upon interviews it came out that Casey apparently had a history of being bullied, so frequently he contemplated suicide as a result.
Honestly, this is a hard subject to be glib about and I can't figure out a way to close this post without it sounding like the animated PSAs attached to all the G.I. Joe cartoons. I certainly feel a little kinship to the kid, not because I had anywhere near the history of being picked on, but I was a chubby little bear and chubby bears are occasionally the targets for little weasels. I realized much later, after my self-esteem solidified, that I should have stood up for myself far sooner. But now I know better. (And knowing is half the battle).

Monday, February 7, 2011

More on the right

Ahh - so the demonic Ad-Sense Ads have once again turned against me. What was a humorous poke against the less-educated members of the right has turned my neglected website into an advertisement to Ra_nd Pawll.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now a board certification that really means something!

Given the latest gaffs by Tea Party darling, Christine O’Donnell regarding her apparent knowledge of the Constitution, as well as numerous other public mistakes on both sides of the aisle (including those so far on either side that they seem like they are on a desert isle) I’d like to propose a standard-based title of Dude of Infinite Constitutional Knowledge that you can post on your resume. Take a simple test, and, much like a lawyer uses Esq. and a doctor uses MD you can use DICK as a suffix to your name to show your constitutional expertness. Imagine how that would help your campaign for Senate by stating you're a board-certified DICK.

But to truly mean something, the test would have to be graduated - it would have to have levels. I’m thinking like the dan ranking system for martial arts. “You see that red-faced guy with the two toned shirt and ugly tie spouting off about the 10th Amendment over there? He’s a 4th degree DICK!”

Of course to BE a DICK, the test has to be pretty daunting. Given the level of constitutional knowledge that many so called “experts” actually have, the test would really have to be something special. I’ll give you a sneak peek of the test to become a 1st Dude of Infinite Constitutional Knowledge.

Question #60: How many Amendments to the Constitution are there.
A. 28
B. None (only communists amend the Constitution!)
C. 23 (after we get rid of the 14th, 16th, 17th, and 19th)
D 27

Question #79: Who wrote the Constitution?
A. Glenn Beck
B. God
C. A and B are the same
D Members of the Constitutional Convention (held at the Las Vegas Hilton).

Question #442: The distribution of the duties of government separate branches is often called the Separation of __________
A. Laundry
B. Powers
C. Liquids and Solids

Question #488: The branch of government that interprets and applies the laws of the land is called the _______________

A. Judicial Branch
B. The Judicial Activism Branch

Question #1323: Which of the following words appear in the Constitution?

I. Obamacare
II. Taxes
III. Assault Rifle
IV. Bailout

A. II only
C. II and IV
D. II and III (well, III is in there, they just call it “arms”, you see the Supreme Court told us that Assault Rifles are also called “arms” and we have a Right To Defend Ourselves From People Who Act Nasty To Us. It’s not IN the constitution, but it’s what the founders intended so it counts).

Question #1324 Does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear in the Constitution or its Amendments?

A. Not specifically, but how the Court has interpreted the Establishment and Free-Exercise Clauses of the First Amendment, as well as the Fourteenth Amendment and Article VI of the Constitution, indicate that government function and religious function are required to be separate.
B. Yes, it's right there, right THERE. Don't you see it?
C. No, of course not, as Pat Robinson (an honorary, certified DICK) says, the phrase appears nowhere in the United States Constitution, but does appear in the Konstitution of the Soviet Union!

Question #2900. The constitutional principle that allows Congress to pass a law authorizing the Federal Government to mandate health care coverage is:

A. The IIIrd Amendment
B. The Commerce Clause
C. There is none, it was a power grab by Pelosi, Reid and Obama to brainwash our youths into hating America (while being healthy.)
D. The Volstead Act

Answers: D, D, B, A, A, A, B are answers that only an individual who attended public-schools his or her entire life would have answered. You've got a long way to become a DICK. If you answered C,C,C,B,D,C,C. you pass and should take the whole thing to prove you're a Dude of Infinite Constitutional Knowledge. You will also be automatically entered to win a United States Flag signed by Sarah Palin. Please don't let a democrat get a hold of it, or they may desecrate it.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A link to a blog - A blog about trout

So, more than a year ago I decided to try and chronicle my fishing adventures in addition to my anger and rant based stuff here. Both seem to be heavy on the narcissism :) It hasn't gone spectacularly, simply because I haven't really gone fishing much, but I'll link to the latest entry, anyway.

As a side-note, apparently this site had ads for the Tea Party Manifesto. Awesome. Bloody awesome. Apparently Adsense thinks my readers are right wing, racist, homophobes...

here is the link