Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now a board certification that really means something!

Given the latest gaffs by Tea Party darling, Christine O’Donnell regarding her apparent knowledge of the Constitution, as well as numerous other public mistakes on both sides of the aisle (including those so far on either side that they seem like they are on a desert isle) I’d like to propose a standard-based title of Dude of Infinite Constitutional Knowledge that you can post on your resume. Take a simple test, and, much like a lawyer uses Esq. and a doctor uses MD you can use DICK as a suffix to your name to show your constitutional expertness. Imagine how that would help your campaign for Senate by stating you're a board-certified DICK.

But to truly mean something, the test would have to be graduated - it would have to have levels. I’m thinking like the dan ranking system for martial arts. “You see that red-faced guy with the two toned shirt and ugly tie spouting off about the 10th Amendment over there? He’s a 4th degree DICK!”

Of course to BE a DICK, the test has to be pretty daunting. Given the level of constitutional knowledge that many so called “experts” actually have, the test would really have to be something special. I’ll give you a sneak peek of the test to become a 1st Dude of Infinite Constitutional Knowledge.

Question #60: How many Amendments to the Constitution are there.
A. 28
B. None (only communists amend the Constitution!)
C. 23 (after we get rid of the 14th, 16th, 17th, and 19th)
D 27

Question #79: Who wrote the Constitution?
A. Glenn Beck
B. God
C. A and B are the same
D Members of the Constitutional Convention (held at the Las Vegas Hilton).

Question #442: The distribution of the duties of government separate branches is often called the Separation of __________
A. Laundry
B. Powers
C. Liquids and Solids

Question #488: The branch of government that interprets and applies the laws of the land is called the _______________

A. Judicial Branch
B. The Judicial Activism Branch

Question #1323: Which of the following words appear in the Constitution?

I. Obamacare
II. Taxes
III. Assault Rifle
IV. Bailout

A. II only
C. II and IV
D. II and III (well, III is in there, they just call it “arms”, you see the Supreme Court told us that Assault Rifles are also called “arms” and we have a Right To Defend Ourselves From People Who Act Nasty To Us. It’s not IN the constitution, but it’s what the founders intended so it counts).

Question #1324 Does the term “Separation of Church and State” appear in the Constitution or its Amendments?

A. Not specifically, but how the Court has interpreted the Establishment and Free-Exercise Clauses of the First Amendment, as well as the Fourteenth Amendment and Article VI of the Constitution, indicate that government function and religious function are required to be separate.
B. Yes, it's right there, right THERE. Don't you see it?
C. No, of course not, as Pat Robinson (an honorary, certified DICK) says, the phrase appears nowhere in the United States Constitution, but does appear in the Konstitution of the Soviet Union!

Question #2900. The constitutional principle that allows Congress to pass a law authorizing the Federal Government to mandate health care coverage is:

A. The IIIrd Amendment
B. The Commerce Clause
C. There is none, it was a power grab by Pelosi, Reid and Obama to brainwash our youths into hating America (while being healthy.)
D. The Volstead Act

Answers: D, D, B, A, A, A, B are answers that only an individual who attended public-schools his or her entire life would have answered. You've got a long way to become a DICK. If you answered C,C,C,B,D,C,C. you pass and should take the whole thing to prove you're a Dude of Infinite Constitutional Knowledge. You will also be automatically entered to win a United States Flag signed by Sarah Palin. Please don't let a democrat get a hold of it, or they may desecrate it.

1 comment:

LunaSee said...

Oh Ben. This is why I so enjoy having you around. That's awesome.