Friday, March 12, 2010

Karma karma karma karma is a biiiiiaaatch

Karma is a bitch.

A fickle bitch.

Karma is a fickle bitch who is currently spanking me on my reddened bottom while my muffled "thank you ma'am, may I have another" can barely be heard behind the ball gag.

And she's spanking me while I'm sitting in McCarren Airport waiting for my very-bad-day to end.

I'm sure that nothing is more boring than reading someone talk about their day. But, when the author's day starts at 5:30 am just to fly to a city on time and then end up waiting 2 hrs to see the judge, then get thrown out of a cab because he called the thieving cab driver a thief and then end up having his flight home delayed 4 hours to the point where he'll arrive home 20 hours after he first woke up in the morning, it is a good idea just to humor the author and say "yes, yes it was a horrible day. Gosh how interesting, may I buy you a Talisker and hear it two more times?"

The day really didn't turn until the cab ride. I generally don't mind cab rides; they have to deal with crappy Vegas traffic while I sit in the back and warily watch the meter. And cab rides in Vegas have provided me with extremely amusing stories. But this cab ride started sour because I didn't know where I was going. Well, I did know where I was going. I told the cabbie the right address. Then I said "oh, hold on...lemme check" as he was driving away from the curb which I guess in cabbie speak means, "this guy wants me to drive around the belt loop of the freeway."

When I told him to take a different, quicker, shorter way, that apparently was too much English for this formerly-somewhat-accented-but-still-perfectly-literate man. He continued to drive towards the freeway - exactly (we were on the correct road) 180 degrees in the wrong direction and mumble at me.

So I insisted again.

And he looked blankly at me again.

Which is when words like "rip-off" and "thief" came out of my mouth. Oh, and "scam". And it's really not like I called him a thief....I merely told him I hoped he wasn't one. It was his choice at that point to follow the dark or light path.

These words were apparently some sort of healing prose, because they immediately cured him of his brief aphasia. The downside being suddenly became really, really mad.

"I no rip you off, you no know where you're going." I sort of hate to approximate his difficulty with English, but that is - to the word - what he said. Again, remarkably calm (read: "haven't said the word "fuck" yet") I merely reiterated where we were going, the cross-streets, and the best way to get there. I was still sort of bewildered how taking the freeway was needed when I didn't know the exact address, but I was not about to have to pay this dude another $20.00 just because his cab company tells him he has to use the freeway for every transaction.

He continued to berate me including telling me to get out of his cab. Sort of an empty threat I thought seeing as we were moving 30 mph down the road. It was around this time that he began firing the first in his several volleys of uncool expletives

Which is when I went "uncalm" and said a bad word in adjective form. Not "the worst word," but something that can only be said on HBO or Showtime. Actually two - (word)ing stop this (word)ing cab you smelly (feminine hygiene product) and let me out. (I figure the "smelling" fact was a given seeing as I was in a cab in Las Vegas).

Further angering the man.

To his credit, he complied with what I asked him to do and did, in fact, stop the cab. In the middle of traffic. And so I got out. And then he tried to run me over (read, he tried to get away while I stood in the middle of the road).

So, I'm not sure if it it was the "douche" comment or if it was something I did yesterday or the week before or in another life but karma clearly had it in for me. And that clearly wasn't the end of my very-bad-day.

I'm sure you're anxious to hear me rap about how my experience in the airport has been but I'd rather not tempt the fates about blogging about my patience waiting to see if Delta is going to fly me home tonight just to lose it later (like last time). So I'll bid you all a good night and hope that we can share a Talisker soon. Because I need it.

Just as soon as I get this ball gag out of my mouth.

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