An Open Letter to the Douchebags that call themselves Edumacators

The state of Utah is apparently so frightened that a black man is going to be talking to their children through a video, that they are requiring all parents sign a waiver and give them the choice to "opt out" of hearing the President speak. Although I'm not a parent, let's just pretend I am.



Dear School District: Attached please find my signature allowing my child to see the video from our President, Barack Obama. I never thought I'd see the day where I must give my child permission to allow him to see the President speak, but apparently you feel this is something as noteworthy as talking about penises and vaginas, AIDS or other squirrly stuff. Perhaps it's because he is liberal (he is), perhaps it is because you think he is a Muslim (he isn't, but who really cares), or because he is black (sort of), who knows. Even President Bush deserved to be heard by the nation.* Despite the fact I strongly oppose having to give it at all, here is my permission nonetheless.

While you're at asking my permission, please do likewise when any Utah Republican Propaganda is brought up. Based on my own experiences in Utah schools at least two of my teachers in Jr. High and two in High School were more than generous in their opinions about how important the Republican party is. I also remember hearing speeches by Ted Wilson (Democrat), Karen Shepherd (Democrat) and Enid Green (a Republican whose congressional campaign was plagued by fraud) without having to bring home anything for mommy and daddy to sign. I also remember hearing a speech by a BYU Football Star (and NFL failure) who spent quite a few minutes talking about his conversion to the LDS Church as part of the public assembly. I don't recall being offered an "alternative activity" for any of these programs.

That brings me to my next point. Please also ask my permission before you allow my child to hear anything about the LDS Church other than in a forum designed to learn about all religions, cults, and various ways of life. I know my own 4th Grade teacher spent the entire year talking about his mission, so I'd personally like to know if my child's current teacher is expounding on his or her experience converting the Gentiles as well. I also remember church-produced videos being shown in my Mormon History...er...Utah History class in the 8th Grade. Please let me know if and when these LDS productions are going to be shown so I may review them before I give consent. If I do not approve, I will give him an appropriate video to watch in return. Lastly, if my child is going to be asked questions like "why aren't you taking [LDS] Seminary?" despite the fact he isn't Mormon, by the President of the Seminary, while at school, as the President of the Skyline High School Seminary did to me in 1993, I would love an opportunity to give my consent (or lack thereof).

Please ask my permission before you run an assembly on drug and alcohol use. I drink and I really don't want a person who's only knowledge of alcohol is stealing and reading the drink menu from TGI Fridays under their covers late at night while shivering in near orgasmic anticipation on the one day they can sneak away and order a Frozen Mickey's MaiTai Surprise while the rest of the family is riding Space Mountain telling my kid how similar they think snorting a line of coke and putting rum in Coke is. I understand that, for a lot of you people, the mere sight of a margarita is a mortal sin, but for those of us who can actually enjoy a drink now or then without turning into a blubbery mess, we don't want our kids thinking we're alcoholics. Please also be sure to check the opiate levels of all of my kids' teachers as well before they are allowed teach. It seems Utahns have a bit of a problem with the Oxycontin.

Also, it is apparent that many Utah school teachers, men and women alike, view the student body to be their own personal dating pool. No less than 8 teachers in the last 2 years have been convicted of raping their students. So, before Ben Jr. gets raped by his teacher, please take the time to talk about appropriate boundaries with your teachers. That is, if you're not too busy cowing down to the dregs of society like you are now, you spineless weasels.

But let's get back to President Obama. Obama Obama Obama. The more you say it, the more you'll realize that this man is our President and not just the guy that was running against the old dude and Sarah Palin. (I'm surprised that Utah didn't latch on to her as "Utah's Own", she did go to school in North Utah, aka Idaho) Please face the fact that the majority (far more than those that chose Shrub) of Americans voted for him. Despite the divisive politics that are being run right now, he is still allowed, and likely SHOULD give speeches to the youth. Maybe it's to stay in school. Maybe it's to give a message of hope when all they are hearing is doom. Maybe, because of all the way so MANY people (I'd like to say "on both sides" but let's face it, there are some really "special" people on the far right) are acting in this political atmosphere, he wants to talk about respect. Respect for oneself. Respect for one's teachers. And respect for this county. This form to make sure I approve. This form respects none of that. So please. One last time. I allow my child to hear the President of the United States of America. And when you're done reading this letter. Please crumple it up and shove it up your sanctimonious ass.

Publish Post

* Of course he deserved respect. How would we have watched the Daily Show or Colbert without a daily doee of Shrub's antics?

It Didn't Work....or maybe I'm just impatient

It didn't work.

I went through all that time to type out a Preparation H commercial on my blog and the space age technology of the AdSense didn't have sense enough to pick up even the slightest hint it did what it was supposed to do.

So, I'm sorry that I talked about the painful, burning and itching, and rubbers, and all sorts of things. I'm just sorry.

Ads

One may notice I have ads on this site. Originally, of course, I was lured to place ads by the hope and prayer of money. Then I moved the decimal place over six spots to where my page views per day was and came to the quick realization that I would make about $.01 every seventeen years.

Then I saw that the ads are customized to content.

That is wonderful.

So, much like Gmail looks through your texts to determine what ads to place next to your email, AdSense looks through the blog text to best advertise various links.

For example: if this blog were about fishing, I'm sure that the more I talked about fishing, it would, sooner or later, develop ads consistent with my fishing blog's content. It would see I talked about going fishing, catching fish, gutting fish, filleting fish, making fish gumbo, fish stew, fish creole, fish cocktail, pan fried fish, baked fish, or breaded fish. I would talk about fishing lures, fishing flies, fishing rods, fishing reels, fishing poles, fishing waders, fishing boots, fishing hats....you get the pitcher. ("I sure do, Bubba").

But that also makes me want to use this program for evil. For bad. To mess with the poor system.

I just can't figure out a way to do that.

So instead, let me tell you about the conversation I heard the other day on the bus between two old men.

Old Man #1 "Boy, Virgil, it is so hot out today, my hemorrhoids are acting up. I can't hardly sit down because my hemorrhoids are so painful. They burn and itch. Won't anything relieve the painful burning and itching caused by my hemorrhoids?"

Old Man #2 "Armando, it's OK that you have hemorrhoids. But are you sure that you don't have something more serious? Like an STD? Perhaps the burning and painful itching you think is caused by hemorrhoids is actually caused by Gonorrhea, or Chlamydia, or Syphilis or Herpes. Perhaps you have a STD causing the burning and painful itching and not hemorrhoids."

OM #1. "Goddamnit Virgil! I don't have an STD. I have hemorrhoids! Hemorrhoids! Hemorrhoids! Hemorrhoids! Can't you hear? I have a painful burning and itching that makes it hard to sit down. Don't you know of any creams I can use for my hemorrhoids?"

OM#2: "Oh, Armando! It's OK if you have an STD. You just need to be more careful. You need to use condoms or abstinence. After all, if the State of Utah says abstinence is the best sex education, who am I to disagree. But anyway. you should really use a condom next time. You can use any condom, really. Any brand. Anything like Ramses, or Trojan, or Durex. Any condom will do. I promise."

OM#1 :Virgil, I swear to God I will suffocate you with a box of Trojan Her Pleasure Ribbed and Lubricated condoms if you don't start listening to me. I have a painful burning and itching caused by hemorrhoids. I am embarrassed to talk about it to my wife, and instead confided with you on this crowded bus. Please listen to me complain loudly about my hemorrhoids and stop talking about possible STDs I may have including Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Molluscum, Herpes etc..."

This conversation went on for quite awhile.

And it really didn't make much sense. Just a lot of talk about hemorrhoids and condoms. Which are not even really related and is sort of an offending topic to be talking about on a bus for hell's sake. I got off before it ended, maybe they tied up the hemorrhoids and STDs before they got off.

Oh well, back to the ads. The AdSense Ads on the left side of the page. They're supposed to reflect the overall content on my blog. So, let me know if you see anything useful. I'm sure they'll want you to follow the link.

Distemper

I have a temper.

Not a huge surprise there.

The thing about having a temper is that you despise your own temper and somewhat empathize with those that have one themselves. Especially when they're losing it and you can't help but watch them slide into histrionics when everything with you is just peachy.

That doesn't mean I'm making an excuse about having a temper. Nor am I excusing those that do. What I despise though, more than a man or woman with an uncontrollable temper, is those that exploit it in others. Those that goad, poke, prod and cajole (yes, cajole) someone into losing their temper, all the while sitting back and acting innocent. Once that person starts down the (insert phrase that is synonymous with "slippery slope" but much better than that phrase) of losing their temper they are lost to all the exit signs. It's sort of like watching the rapid scene in Deliverance (rapid scene...r-a-p-i-d...not the other scene starting r-a-p). e.g. you think things are a calm river and all of a sudden you end up in rapids and your friend goes T.U..

This seems nowhere more prevalent than the practice of law. (coincidentally the "other scene in Deliverance starting with r-a-p" is also very prevalent in the practice of law).

And it is often the hardest part of what I do (again, we're talking about losing the temper, not Ned Beatty's hindquarters. I don't know why I even brought that up in the first place). It's hard because I often can see the goading coming. I can see Them slowly prodding my client's thin skin waiting for the moment where the temper is lost and They can sit back and look at me and point and say "See?"

It's not like I just sit there. I would be as successful as I am if I didn't have some tricks up my sleeve. But sometimes you can see the train wreck coming and sometimes you can't do anything about it. And sometimes you just have to try to pick up the pieces afterwords.

But it's hard to do. Just ask Jon Voigt

The Sun Also Rises

What did we find out when the world woke up on the following days?

August 17, 1977
December 9, 1980
April 1, 1994
April 6, 1994
August 10, 1995
September 1, 1997
July 17, 1999
February 9, 2007
January 23, 2008
June 26, 2009

Answer - the sun still rose in the east ,birds still sang, dogs still barked and cats still caused me to sneeze; rain still fell and flowers still bloomed, children were still conceived, people still died, rivers continued to flow into the ocean, the waves continued to crash on sand, apples miraculously still dropped from trees, politicians still lied and the sun still set in the west, as it had for billions of years.

Although the days before these ordinary days were also the same they were different in only one thing. A small (yet large enough to make their histrionic wails rise to the heavens) minority of people believed that day was the last day on earth that anything would remain the same.

And they all went to bed.

And they all got up.

And they all went on, the same as before.

Mea Culpa...Mea Maxima Culpa

It's been 6 months since my last blog.....

It's not as if I've had nothing to speak about....it's not that I've been lazy. I have just neglected this corner of interwebrealestate for the last little bit.

Rest assured, however.....I made it out of Boise alive.

I made it out of Boise alive and one of the things I was doing while waiting (ultimately in vain) for Skywest to come up with something resembling "customer service" was enjoying the vast knowledge base supplied by Wikipedia.

I love Wikipedia. I know it's wrong. As someone who used to pride himself on his ability to find relevant case law and articles, I should be ashamed that such a website exists.

But I love it nonetheless.

I love it for it's comprehensive (albeit shady) view of anything pop culture. If I want to find out how historically inaccurate Braveheart was I go to Wikipedia. Or, if I want to find out which episodes of Law and Order guest starred Michael Imperioli. Or, if I want to find the trade name of a medication without a billion pop-up ads. Or, in the case of that fateful night.....a comprehensive and shady view of the The People of the State of California v. Michael Joseph Jackson

Don't ask me how I ended up on that topic. But, I ended up learning all about a case that was, in reality, pretty uninteresting. I mean, it was a standard trial. People said this. Other people said "Nuh-uh" The Defendant hired then fired superattorney/mediaprostitute (picture Janice Dickinson with a J.D.), Mark Geragos and then hired the even stranger looking but oddly devoid of ickiness, Thomas Mesereau; he was found Not-Guilty and the crazy people out front released a bunch of doves which ended up circling around and pooping on people everywhere (a fact that, sadly, wasn't included in the latest Wikifraudia entry). You know - typical boring crap!

And because it was relatively boring, the entire action of me looking up all that information had escaped my mind. It had escaped my mind until now - when the King of Pop died and what had been a relatively exciting political news week suddenly became a mass amount of hysterical pop culture vomit.

So, goodbye Michael Jackson. You kept me busy and sane for at least one hour of my life.

Airport Woes

I should really rename this blog "the road to my first heart attack: an intimate journey between reader and writer down the path to congestive heart failure" because everything I write about has a tendency to raise my blood pressure. Right now, my ire is focused to the small man sitting about seventy-five feet away from me.

My dislike of this man is compounded by the fact that I should have arrived in Salt Lake City about twenty minutes ago. Instead, I'm sitting in BOI, no end in sight to me in Idaho. And, because I'm rather miserable - I feel much better by letting you know all about it.

The man - the little man - is talking loudly. Loud enough that I can hear his entire conversation. His entire CELL phone conversation. I'm pretty sure his loudness is the goal. Apparently he is a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. Apparently, he has CLIENTS. Apparently his clients want to DEDUCT things. They want to ITEMIZE things. He just loudly SCOFFED at the idea of an AUDIT. He just had a lengthy diatribe about the KETCHUM property, just to show that not only is HE a VIP, but his CLIENT is too. BRUCE WILLIS? HARRISON FORD? KATHY GRIFFIN? Who KNOWS who could be on the other end of the phone.

I'm pretty sure he's actually making this up. I'm pretty sure this person he's loudly talking to does not exist. He just wants us to know HOW important he IS while being stuck because HE is inconvenienced. He is IMPORTANT and the PLANE should take off JUST FOR HIM.

This brings me back to my brief love affair with Social Psychology. How people interact with others when they are either STRESSED, PISSED or just want to be NOTICED. Case in point is the Ringtone. The more obnoxious the ring-tone the more obnoxious the person. The more obnoxious the person, the longer they will wait to answer their phone when it is ringing. For example: Douchie McDouchington, twenty five feet to my left, has Speedy Gonzolez as his ring-tone "Andale Andale - Arriba Arriba (vrooooom).....Andale Andale, Arriba Arriba (vrooooom)" His phone has rang anywhere between four and seventy-six times in the last twenty minutes. Contrast that to Hottie in the Green Pea Coat (not Pea Green Coat) who has the meek and mild Cingular Ring Tone.

People are frantically trying to re-book flights. I'm personally just sitting here because I'm pretty confident my flight is going to take off sometime before 9am tomorrow morning. But I've heard almost everyone's personal story - just by sitting here and type type typing on my comptuer. We have VIP Accountant Man; we have Angry Lawyer One and Angry Lawyer Two (I am just Cynical Lawyer Sixteen) they have clients too, but they either don't speak about them or don't talk loudly enough that I can hear. This is probably a good thing: even Angry Lawyers (especially Angry Lawyers) can get in trouble with the bar); we have I Have To Get To Vegas Now; (followed by I Have to Get To (insert city here). No one is visibly crying...yet. Just me...a little...on the inside.